One of those days again.

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I am just in one of those kinds of moods today. I’m not even really sure why. I just felt…. vaguely overwhelmed. I was thinking about too much all at once. It’s not even being overwhelmed by things I can’t do, or can’t handle. It was just allll of it coming to mind at once instead of broken down into segments. And it set my mind racing for a bit.

Then I just wanted to… be comforted I guess? I feel absolutely girly today. I just want to be comforted and held and cuddled and complimented. I want affection and playfulness and to feel special. I wanted to be able to turn to someone and go off and vent. Or, not vent at all and just say “I need you.” And have it happen.

To be fair, I may have been able to do that. I’m not really sure. And that’s part of it too. I don’t know how much I can ask for when it comes to emotional stuff. Or when emotional things are ok. I WANT more. Oh so much more. But for now, it’s just not something I feel like I can do. I don’t feel like I’m in a place where I can ask for it. I’m not completely sure where I stand or what is ok. Or what isn’t. Or what would be alright but may make them uncomfortable. I KNOW I can ask for help with a lot of things. But for the irrational, emotional “please just hold me and make me feel special” things? I don’t know.

So. I just went to my hiding spot for a while. Fucking with pictures. Working on NCs and planning events and sorting through the back end of business things. My favorite. lol. At this point though, most of it is busy work. I don’t have to THINK too hard on any of it, which is perfect for the time being. Hence why writing happened again too.

Whenever I’m feeling really emotional and needy and….attention/affection whore-y I tend to sort of hide myself away for a while so I don’t go stage 5 clinger or overly sensitive. Seriously, expressing emotions to other people is SO FREAKING HARD for me. Especially when I get so scared that the other person will hate me for it. Or that they’ll think I’m being stupid or I don’t know how they’ll react to it.

 

Ahhhhhhh what the hell.

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True Story

11144912_880527435347432_5922271208504276250_oYes. This. A million times this. Sex is important to me. It doesn’t need to happen everyday, all the time. It doesn’t need to be the main focus of a relationship. It’s not the end-all-be-all. But it IS important to me. Very much so.

I need to be able to feel that intimacy sometimes. I need to feel wanted, desired. I need occasional reminders that someone finds me attractive or wants me. It doesn’t really count the same if it’s coming from random people. Then they’re just looking at my outward appearance. It means more to me when it’s someone that knows me, and knows me well. But I need to feel like they are still attracted to me.

My first boyfriend in RL was a jerk. He ended up being a mentally abusive asshole. And he would literally yell at me if I tried to initiate sex with him after a while. So it got to where I didn’t. And I still sometimes have problems with that. If I don’t feel like someone wants me, I have no idea how to express how it makes me feel, or even try to initiate something. I get SO SCARED that they would be grossed out or disgusted by me that I don’t even try. I can’t. I would rather wonder if they wanted anything to do with me than risk asking and finding out, or confirming my thoughts, that they really weren’t interested in me anymore.

And it’s fucking hard. Sometimes you just want to feel like a desirable person. And sometimes I just…I NEED that alone time where it’s just me and another person and I feel like their focus is on me and on us and… I don’t know. It’s hard. It’s hard when you feel like you might not be wanted as much as you once were. When you maybe get into this comfortable place where you don’t know how to be desired again and when you’re too scared to try for fear of complete rejection. And you start to wonder if it’s always going to be that way. If this is just… the way it is from now on.

And it’s just… hard.

Stewing.

You ever have something that only irritates you a little bit when it happens, but when you think back on it hours later, you get pissed? That’s what’s been happening to me. I’ve just been stewing on a few subjects and it’s just been building to where I just can’t freakin’ stand that sight of someone’s name anymore.

And all the fucking excuses in the world have been used up. At one point does someone say “I am physically, emotionally and mentally unable to do this. So instead of half assing it and then asking other people to help, I’m just going to step down and NOT do it?” That would make too much sense though, right? If there are underlying problems that make it so you really, really CANNOT do something, then don’t accept the responsibilities for it.

I dunno. I’ve just been keeping really busy lately. DJ is busy in RL, and today isn’t feeling well, so the club has been up to me and Ell for the last few days. Combine with taking the pictures of the shoes and listing them on the market, hiring girls, maintaining things and doing my own escorting, I’ve had zero downtime lately. And… I miss him. A lot.

I know he’s got a lot of things going on lately so I’m trying really hard to keep things covered for him and be supportive and help as much as I can, but….I miss him. And through zero fault of his own because of all the external forces going on I feel sort of…neglected? That’s not really the right word. I know it’s not intentional. Or at least, I would hope it isn’t. But it’s definitely felt like all work and no play lately. I’m hoping once things get settled down for him that it can at least get a little bit back to normal. It might take a while, but I’m ok with that as long as I know that he still WANTS it to be back that way. I dunno.

I think I’ve just been stressed and missing him and with the little bit of down time I have to think, my brain will always go to the worst case scenario. That’s normal for me because it’s like I’m….. mentally preparing myself in the back of my mind so that if the worst case actually DOES happen, I’ll have a little bit of a resistance built up to it. That probably sounds crazy, but that’s about where I am right now.

Thankfully even though the club keeps me busy, it’s something I really love doing. It’s a place I love to be and the girls are wonderful. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice. xD

EDIT: Many hours later….even though he’s sick and sounds so tired, just talking to him for even 30 minutes is enough to make me smile and make me feel better about everything.

Spread thin.

I just feel so exhausted today. I don’t know. Yesterday was non-fucking-stop asshattery. I had at least 3 random people call me a cunt. Multiple problems to address in the club. People coming in and being diiiiiiicks and then being treated like diiiiiicks in return. And just…. I feel burnt out on people now. I don’t know what I want to do to make myself feel better either. I don’t even know what I need right now.

I just feel…. tired. Like I need a few hours without having to THINK about anything or answer questions or take care of problems or plan anything or organize anything or pay for anything. Just… 2 or 3 hours of fucking peace maybe.

Preferably with Daddy too of course. I don’t think he can do “nothing” for any length of time though. lol. Which is fine. -I- just want to do nothing for a bit. And preferably be talking to him while doing it.

Or just… something.

I’m just so tired right now.

Bleh.

Today started out pretty good but got kinda….bleh. Woke up this morning and Daddy has gotten the GORGEOUS main store build that I’d fallen in love with forever ago. We’re working on making shoes and tattoos and things. He’s already made a few pairs that have turned out really nice, and my tattoos are always a sort of work in progress sort of thing. lol.

Then he had to go afk for a while and when he was gone some shit hit the fan. Some stuff that I knew was bound to happen sooner or later to be honest. I’m kind of surprised it took this long. lol. And while I don’t really blame anyone because I TOTALLY know where it was coming from, it completely stressed him out. Which of course made me feel bad. And immediately sent me into recovery mode to try and set things right. Which I think I can maybe do. Maybe. I just need to mediate a few things and get a sort of truce called. And in the process ignore how FUCKING FRUSTRATED the situation makes me because it’s better in the long run. Like… even though parts of it piss me the everliving FUCK OFF, ya gotta look at the bigger picture. If that sort of makes sense.

But after that happened he didn’t feel like getting back on. So he probably ended up falling asleep since he stayed up pretty much all day and night up to that point. And now it’s midnight my time, 1am his time, and he’s not been on in like, 6 hours. And I miss him and it fucking sucks because IF he gets up and gets on before I go to bed, we’ll just get a couple hours together. And that means by the time I get up tomorrow he’ll probably be ready to pass out again.

And that just…makes me sad. I’m used to talking to him pretty much constantly all day and not hearing his voice in 6+ hours, and maybe not at all again tonight just…. fucking sucks. And I’m super over emotional the last couple days. Which I know so I can mostly keep mah shit together because I realize I’m all like, emotional and crap. But yeah. I’m….sad.

Sigh.

In good news, we’ve hired a few new girls today and were asked to Beta test a product for Alica Stella Designs, which is pretty awesome. The store is coming along slowly. But I’m really excited about having another project to work on with him. He’s always cute as shit when he gets excited about doing something new.

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