One of those days again.

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I am just in one of those kinds of moods today. I’m not even really sure why. I just felt…. vaguely overwhelmed. I was thinking about too much all at once. It’s not even being overwhelmed by things I can’t do, or can’t handle. It was just allll of it coming to mind at once instead of broken down into segments. And it set my mind racing for a bit.

Then I just wanted to… be comforted I guess? I feel absolutely girly today. I just want to be comforted and held and cuddled and complimented. I want affection and playfulness and to feel special. I wanted to be able to turn to someone and go off and vent. Or, not vent at all and just say “I need you.” And have it happen.

To be fair, I may have been able to do that. I’m not really sure. And that’s part of it too. I don’t know how much I can ask for when it comes to emotional stuff. Or when emotional things are ok. I WANT more. Oh so much more. But for now, it’s just not something I feel like I can do. I don’t feel like I’m in a place where I can ask for it. I’m not completely sure where I stand or what is ok. Or what isn’t. Or what would be alright but may make them uncomfortable. I KNOW I can ask for help with a lot of things. But for the irrational, emotional “please just hold me and make me feel special” things? I don’t know.

So. I just went to my hiding spot for a while. Fucking with pictures. Working on NCs and planning events and sorting through the back end of business things. My favorite. lol. At this point though, most of it is busy work. I don’t have to THINK too hard on any of it, which is perfect for the time being. Hence why writing happened again too.

Whenever I’m feeling really emotional and needy and….attention/affection whore-y I tend to sort of hide myself away for a while so I don’t go stage 5 clinger or overly sensitive. Seriously, expressing emotions to other people is SO FREAKING HARD for me. Especially when I get so scared that the other person will hate me for it. Or that they’ll think I’m being stupid or I don’t know how they’ll react to it.

 

Ahhhhhhh what the hell.

New mesh head & things & stuff

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I actually bought the new MiMi head from The Sugar Garden! TSG is one of my favorite stores, but the other heads just never really did anything for me. I thought they looked a little too derpaderp as I like to say. This one seems to work out better for me though. I’m still not quite used to it, but I do like that hair actually fits on it, unlike the head I have from TMP. Without an alpha layer for fitting hair, the TMP really limits your choices. Ones that actually covered the whole scalp were kind of few and far between. NONE of the Little Bones hair I have would fit it. And only some of Truth/Spellbound/Magika and so on. Anyways, so far I rather like it.

Club has been doing ok. Been getting more apps in lately. And of course a few griefers and trolls. lol. But that’s to be expected with any club, especially when the traffic gets to be decent. My favorite thing is when a guy comes in with his cock out. We have a hud we can use to put a pink skirt on them that follows them around the sim. xD It makes me happy. Sometimes I’ll also wear my bling penis and chase them around with that. I might as well be entertained by them before they get banned after all.

There are some things that I can’t write about, for various reasons. Nothing bad just things that I don’t really want to try to find words for. Got some good news today though so, hooray for that! Takes a definite weight off our shoulders as a whole.

Other things are still sort of weighing on my mind though, And I’m not sure how to really go into detail about them. Partially because I get shy and… anxious and unsure of myself sometimes. Especially when it comes to random moments when my self esteem may not be so high. I don’t know. Sometimes I just need to feel special. Which sounds silly in a way. I mean, I know I’m special. I know who I am and where I stand with people, but sometimes I still need to feel that little something extra that makes my brain stop functioning for a little while. And it’s hard to bring that up, especially when there are other, more important things at hand than how I may or may not feel. I’m terrible about things like this sometimes. It takes me a while to work myself up to talking about my feelings. And the more I think the conversation will bother someone, the longer I put it off. Or the longer I try to ignore it or rationalize it away. But ugggghg highb;odifhgsoihg. Brain stopping.

Ok. Basically I think it boils down to me not wanting to be a bother to anyone else. I want to take care of the people that I love in any way that I can. And I have always, and will always, put the emotional needs of them over my own. Even when I know I don’t have to. Even when I know that I probably shouldn’t, But my own little feelings of insecurity or doubt seem so insignificant compared to the big picture.

I don’t know. Since other things are getting better then maybe I can address my random, broken thoughts sometime in the near-ish future. This week didn’t really go how I wanted it to, but some of that is definitely my own fault because I didn’t bring it up. Because I didn’t want to be a bother. And annoying.. And…sigh. I don’t even really know what I’m trying to accomplish by writing this at the moment. I guess I needed to just get some of it off my chest even though it’s all in vague, abstract ways that won’t really make sense outside of my own head.