Spring Lily

I know. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve posted here. And it’s been even LONGER since I did any sort of OotD post. But, I am in love with how adorable I am right now. I’m even MORE in love with the fact that I finally got a new computer and can see! Taking pictures is a whole new experience like this. I couldn’t really use shadows or anythings fancy before. Now there’s so much new stuff to play with and figure out. So, after getting dressed yesterday, these two pictures happened:

 

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Good Kinda Tired.

Ok. After my whining post, I felt better. I got it out of my system. Then I did actually get some cuddles, surprisingly. And, maybe a tad bit more. Ended up going to bed in a pretty good mood.

When I logged on tonight I fucked around doing nothing for a bit, then shit got busy. Hired 4 times in a row. lol. By the time I was done, I was feeling pretty exhausted, but accomplished. You never know when shit is going to get busy. Two of them were even threesomes, which turned out to be pretty fun.

After that I got to relax a bit and watch some “Adult Legos” which is always nice. I dunno. It’s something I always kind of look forward to. It really is amazingly relaxing, and hey, the company isn’t terrible either.

Now I’m not sure what I wanna do with myself. I can’t decide if I wanna go to bed “early”. Well, early for me. Or fuck around for a bit longer. There’s a DJ playing so I’m listening to that a bit and idling around in my bedroom on the sim. Not a terrible way to round out my night.

One of those days again.

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I am just in one of those kinds of moods today. I’m not even really sure why. I just felt…. vaguely overwhelmed. I was thinking about too much all at once. It’s not even being overwhelmed by things I can’t do, or can’t handle. It was just allll of it coming to mind at once instead of broken down into segments. And it set my mind racing for a bit.

Then I just wanted to… be comforted I guess? I feel absolutely girly today. I just want to be comforted and held and cuddled and complimented. I want affection and playfulness and to feel special. I wanted to be able to turn to someone and go off and vent. Or, not vent at all and just say “I need you.” And have it happen.

To be fair, I may have been able to do that. I’m not really sure. And that’s part of it too. I don’t know how much I can ask for when it comes to emotional stuff. Or when emotional things are ok. I WANT more. Oh so much more. But for now, it’s just not something I feel like I can do. I don’t feel like I’m in a place where I can ask for it. I’m not completely sure where I stand or what is ok. Or what isn’t. Or what would be alright but may make them uncomfortable. I KNOW I can ask for help with a lot of things. But for the irrational, emotional “please just hold me and make me feel special” things? I don’t know.

So. I just went to my hiding spot for a while. Fucking with pictures. Working on NCs and planning events and sorting through the back end of business things. My favorite. lol. At this point though, most of it is busy work. I don’t have to THINK too hard on any of it, which is perfect for the time being. Hence why writing happened again too.

Whenever I’m feeling really emotional and needy and….attention/affection whore-y I tend to sort of hide myself away for a while so I don’t go stage 5 clinger or overly sensitive. Seriously, expressing emotions to other people is SO FREAKING HARD for me. Especially when I get so scared that the other person will hate me for it. Or that they’ll think I’m being stupid or I don’t know how they’ll react to it.

 

Ahhhhhhh what the hell.

Therapeutic Nonsense

Most of this won’t make a ton of sense, but writing has always been therapeutic to me, and sometimes I just need to get it out, even if I don’t have anyone to talk to about it specifically.

First off….death is weird. Or more specifically, feelings you have when someone else dies can be weird. My sister’s ex-husband passed away today. Which I guess sort of sounds like it shouldn’t affect me that much. And there is this really strange disconnect. I haven’t seen or talked to him in… years and years. But I spent a lot of time around him when I was a kid. He and my sister lived with us for a bit after they got married. He’s the father of my niece and one of my nephews. I have a lot of memories of him. And though I’d never say we were CLOSE in any real sense of the word, and technically he wasn’t “family”, I’m still sad about it. And when I think about my niece and nephew going through losing their father… I almost start to cry. I can’t imagine what they’re going through.

So I’m going through this strange feeling of being sad… but then feeling like maybe I don’t have a “right” to feeling sad. I guess I have this habit of looking at feelings at whether they’re justified or not, rather than just feeling and experiencing them. Which has always been something I’ve done. I can’t really explain it. It’s just a weird feeling. And all my memories of him are so far removed, that they didn’t all come to surface when I found it. Instead of that it’s been a day of random memories popping up when I don’t expect it, when I’m doing other things and feeling ok.

Then I’m already feeling just… emotionally…weird. And some other stuff happens that I am -specifically- trying to separate from my emotions on a regular basis. And I’m actively trying to make sure that I’m not acting out of emotions or bias or personal feelings. And then THAT just makes me feel like I’m doing the opposite. Like, I’m walking on eggshells for fear of seeming emotional or jealous or whatever. It’s an almost daily thing of keeping my feelings in check. And tonight I….did, for the most part. But something bothered me and I spoke up about it to someone. And apparently the way I did it wasn’t phrased the best way. And it spiraled and I just ended up feeling like I was a raging bitch that was being emotional and shitty even when that was specificalllllly what I was trying not to be. And now I just feel…. stupid? I don’t even know if that’s accurate. I feel….not good, let’s just say that.

It’s not a situation where anyone is right or wrong or…anything I don’t think. At least, as far as my opinion. It’s just…. shitty. And I feel shitty. And like all the effort I try to put forth to NOT be shitty is just useless, because apparently I overcompensate. And it’s just me being….emotionally raw and weird today, but I feel horrible. And like I can’t get it right one way or another.

I tried to give examples of what I meant when I say here about overcompensating. That I don’t address things I probably should because I worry that I’d be acting out of personal feelings, or that it would come across that way. And then I get accused of being defensive and of….acting out of personal feelings. I can’t address anyone else doing what this person does, because  don’t see other people do it. If they DO, it’s not when I’m around, or something people have told me about before now. How am I supposed to apply it to them doing things that I don’t know they’re doing? If I saw them doing it, I’d address it. But I just don’t see it happening. I can’t address it if I don’t know it happens.

In this case, I know this person is doing something. It happens a lot. Sure, not as much as it used to, but it still happens. And it happened tonight. But when I tried to vent about how much it annoys me, and how I’m afraid to address it with them because I want to make sure I’m not acting out of personal bias…..I get accused of acting out of personal bias. Or, if that wasn’t the intent, it was how it made me feel. Possibly because I’m already emotionally fucked up today. I dunno. But I just feel like a complete idiot right now. I couldn’t sleep if I tried, so….we get this rambling bit of nonsense.

Can we just boycott Tramps?

Seriously. I rarely ever call a place out by name, but I’m going to write about my experience, and my review and opinions of a place, and just let it go.

Tramps is a freelance club. When it first opened it seemed like a nice idea. There weren’t that many successful places to freelance. I dropped by a few times, rented some boards and got verified as a female by the owner. I never really spent a lot of time there, so I can’t really comment on what it’s actually like for visitors. I would usually come in for a few minutes, or just rent my adboards and leave.

At some point the owner started sending out reminders about adboards. At first I thought they were sent when your board was about to expire. So I went and paid my boards and realized I had plenty of time left. Then I started talking to other people that said they got “reminders” all the time. Or, some people who had never rented boards were getting IMs informing them of the boards available. So after I got another “reminder” I asked the owner to please stop sending them to me. They said they would remove me from the list, but also that they didn’t understand what the problem was. I said I didn’t want to be spammed with messages about boards. They argued that is was NOT spam, but still agreed to remove me from the list.

I received at least 2 more IMs about boards before finally, FINALLY, they stopped.

Then at some point in the last few months, the MASS FUCKING TELEPORTS STARTED. Everyone was getting them. People that rent boards, people that don’t. People that work for me, people in our VIP group. Everyone I know was complaining about them. There’s usually at least one a day, if not more. And you mute the account sending them [and the account is usually a few days to a few weeks old] and get a couple weeks of peace, maybe. Then a NEW one starts and you have to mute them too. No joke, I’ve muted at least 10 separate accounts by now that keep sending mass TPs to Tramps.

When I told the owner they were seriously getting annoying, they said they’d take me off the list. Where have I heard that before? So I told them that hey, if they keep it up, sooner or later they might get banned because so many people will be complaining. To which they replied, “IS THAT A THREAT?”.

No. It’s not. It’s just fact. I let them know that if I did receive another mass TP, I WOULD be reporting it, and any subsequent one I may get. I also said I would stop renting boards and doing business with them.

I wish everyone would just stop going there, and stop renting their adboards.

Busting at the seams.

You ever find out about something that pisses you off SO DAMN MUCH, but there’s nothing you can immediately do about it? That’s how I’m feeling right now. Sometimes people seem to think they’re sneaky. Also, they seem to think the world revolves around them.

Well let me tell you something honey. I’ve been doing my shit for years since before I met you, and I can keep my world right on turning without you in it. AaaaaaaaAAAAaaaAhhHHhhhh….

Seriously. I just want to rage the fuck out. But hey, big picture shit. Somethings need to be handled with care and this is just one of them. But it’s so hard to be nice and professional around this person when now I’ve seen their shit first hand. Bitches think they’re being sneaky and shit.

 

I just want to rant and rave and just scream. To be fair, I probably shouldn’t even be vague-blogging about it, but it’s fucking driving me nuts right now to have to play nice with this person that thinks the sun shines out their ass and more or less implied that I’m useless.

FuuuucCCCKkkkk.

I wanted to post some other shit and pictures from my birthday, but I had to get this out of my system first. I’ll try to write a more coherent and interesting post later instead of this non-specific rage out.

What happened to Lily?

I’m still around, I swear! Sometimes I just take a break from writing for a while. For whatever reason. But, I’m still around. Babygirls is still around. SL is still around. lol.

Sometimes shit happens that I wanna vent about but I’ve restrained from it because I don’t wanna be one of those kind of people. YOU know. But I can’t resist on commenting on one thing. I won’t go into the whole story, but basically there’s a girl that haaaaates the club. Like, with an undying passion. So much so that she has us in her profile multiple times as a terrible place to work. She also says I have my head in the sand and am never in my own club. Which I find amusing. Sure, sometimes I might not be on the club floor because I’m with a client or doing an interview or working on something on another part of the sim. It IS a full sim after all. But what makes me laugh about this the most is before she was fired, she’d received multiple hours warnings because she wasn’t even in the club 2 hours a week. So, because I wasn’t there for the 30 mins a week she put in, I clearly was never around. Also the week she was fired and wrote all that nonsense was the week I was out of town. I had sent out multiple notices and posted in my profile that I was out of town for a week and a half or so for a RL vacation. One that I had been planning and talking about for several months. But yes. Never in my own club. *nods* 

Speaking of the club, we’re working on some renovations. We’re coming up on our 1 year anniversary so it was time for some updates. It’s all still very much a work in progress, but I’m excited about it. Here’s a little sneak preview:

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It really doesn’t show much of anything buuuttttt I’m still excited for the direction we’re moving in! 😀