It’s really not an act.

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Sometimes people don’t seem to believe that I really AM shy. At least on voice and in person. Typing and text is different. I have time to think and compose myself and I can sort of just relax. But when I’m talking or in person I just…can’t do some of the things I do in text.

And I get a lot of people thinking it’s an act or a persona I play since in SL my name is Slut and I’m an escort. But I’m not actually that outgoing or comfortable with voicing. There’s only a handful of people I voice with at all and even fewer that I do voice escorting with. >.<

Sleep is overrated.

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Sleep has been super hard for me the last few nights. I go through some pretty rough bouts of insomnia from time to time. This time hasn’t gotten to that point. It’s not exactly insomnia right now. And it hasn’t been REALLY bad in a few years. There was a point where I would go a few days on about 3 hours sleep and I would just cry from being so tired and not being able to do anything about it. Generally then even sleeping meds didn’t help. They would just make me MORE tired, but still unable to sleep.

So the last few nights I’ve been sitting up, wandering around SL aimlessly. Ell hasn’t been on as much at night because she’s playing Guild Wars with her boyfriend, and Daddy has been working a lot this week and usually passes out the second he is actually able to lay down. Which I don’t blame him for one bit. I know how tired he is and how much he’s had to do lately. I miss him though.

Tonight there’s no one really on that I spend time with so I’m just….standing around.

Then on a personal RL note, I had a moment that shook me up a little bit earlier and that isn’t helping me right now. There was this guy back home that I had some problems with. He was following me around for a while and generally obsessed. To the point where my dad had to chase him away from my bedroom window in the middle of the night once. And another time when he was caught leaving a picture of me on my parents’ doorstep. When I wasn’t even LIVING there at the time. Yeah. And several years back, about 3/4ths of the way through the TEN YEARS he kept popping up in my life, I had a bad experience with him. Something I don’t tell many people about, but something that fucked me up for quite a while. He kept trying to contact me for two years after that. Every summer. I would go a year without hearing from him then every single summer he would find a way to contact me. I remember the first summer that went by without hearing from him. It was a ridiculous relief. I even stopped ordering pizza from a certain place because I found out he was a delivery driver for them and I wasn’t willing to risk it.

Anyways. Tonight I DLed an app on my phone and it used my phone contacts to suggest people using the app that I might know. And there was his name. I hadn’t seen it or thought of him in ages and just seeing his name was like a punch in the gut. I kept his number that way if he ever tried to call me, I’d know who it was. I don’t think it’s even his number anymore because the picture was of some girl I had never seen before. But it used the name I had him saved in my contacts list as. I am thousands of miles away from him. I haven’t heard a peep from him in several years. But still. Just…. the sudden reminder of him was enough to make my head hurt and make me want to throw up.

So. Now I’m sitting here. I was already unable to sleep and now I’m scared to try because until I can sufficiently distract/tire myself out I’ll just end up laying in bed for god knows how long.

Generally I get an anxiety and feeling of fear when I want to go to bed. This doesn’t even have anything to do with him. Unless I had a good day to tire myself out, when “bed time” rolls around I just feel… scared and anxious for no apparent reason. That’s what’s been happening to me for the last 3 or 4 days. I don’t know why. I never really know WHY it happens, just that it does.

Bah. Ok. I’m going to go watch random youtube or netflix until I feel like I might pass out.

Urf, still here!

Sorry I’ve been away from here for so long. >.< RL has been a bit stressful. My RL BF applied for a promotion and he got it, which is great news, BUT it's in another state. So we've been trying to figure out paying for the relocation, and trying to work with the relocation assistance his company says they'll provide, along with looking for a place to live and just…. sometimes I'm just too stressed out trying to prepare for this move to actual sit down and WRITE anything. But, things are slowly coming together and we should be headed out to Dallas-Fort Worth by mid-October.

Because I’m not sure when we’ll get the internet hooked up then I’ve also been trying to bust my butt earning tier money to pay for my home and my lounge weeks in advance so I won’t have to worry about them going away if I’m without internet for a week or so. We’ll see how that goes. >.<

But while I was standing at Redlight earlier I did see this….interesting girl laying in the street. She’s still there and sort of wiggling her butt back and forth a bit. I’m not entirely sure what she’s doing. It looks like she’s not sure how to complete a pushup so she’s just….wiggling instead. I…I don’t know.

She a stupid ho.

This is a thought that I’ve been mulling over in my mind on and off for a while. And to be quite honest, it’s something that I think can definitely apply to SL and RL.

Why is it generally assumed that being a slut means a person isn’t intelligent? Or somehow inherently “bad”?

I’ve gotten a lot of comments on my SecondLife name over the 4 years I’ve been using this avatar. I’ve been denied employment in clubs because of it. They wanted a “classier” image and my name didn’t fit in. Alright, whatever works. I’ve had people exclude me from non-sexual activities and god forbid I accidentally end up somewhere PG or family friendly. I got told off once on a Moderate sim that didn’t allow escorting. I wasn’t there TO escort. I was there because a friend wanted to show me a train they had set up there.

All of these things were issues I expected from my SL name, but I just laugh them off because hey, I get it. My name is Slut and not everyone is comfortable with that. My display name is different for a reason. A lot of people have told me they aren’t comfortable calling me slut and I’m more than ok with that. In fact sometimes it’s almost jarring to me now when someone I don’t know uses it because I sometimes forget it’s my name. My FAVORITES though are the ones that ask me if it’s ok they call me slut, or if I mind it. And I always have to laugh and say, “Well, I gave myself that name so….”

Anyways, getting sidetracked. Clearly my having the name “Slut” and being an escort in SecondLife and well, just all around SLUTTY in general hasn’t had a negative impact on my intelligence.

In RL I’ve been promiscuous as well. My RL BF and I enjoy threesomes and gangbangs. I met him because he was one of my 1,000+ followers of my RL sex blog and to paraphrase, he started talking to me because he fell in love with my wet pussy. THOUSANDS of people have seen the RL me naked. I couldn’t even give you a precise number of how many cocks have been in my mouth. Or even the name of all the men I’ve slept with. And disclaimer, I’ve always been safe/sane/consensual, been tested, used condoms, all the normal things people balk at when I say I’ve been just as much of a slut in RL as in SL.

But those things are my choice to do. It’s my choice if I want to show off my tits. Or if I want to fuck 5 men in a night. My RL BF and I have a strong, stable relationship. We live together and we tell each other everything. I don’t cheat on him. We’re comfortable and happy with our relationship, and he loves that I’m a slut. And I love it too.

But look…. even after having dozens of cocks in me…. I’m still able to coherently write and express myself! I still received an excellent education. I still graduated high school with an A average. I still got scholarships to college. I’m still a classically trained musician. And I’m still a slut.

Enjoying being a “slut” and being intelligent are not necessarily mutually exclusive. Nor is being a slut my entire personality. Of course I like male attention. And female for that matter. I enjoy sexually charged conversations and roleplay. I enjoy SEX. I also enjoy cooking. And writing. And spending time with loved ones. And watching geeky tv shows and playing video games. Being a self proclaimed, and proud, slut is not the entirety of my being. And if I’m happy with the way I am, and I’m not affecting your life at all, then who are you to judge me for it? You may have your preconceived notions of stupid sluts and dumb whores, and I understand. But you might want to reconsider it, just a tad.