Sometimes you just need to talk it out.

After my last post I had a conversation with him about how I’ve been feeling lately. He totally understood and we were able to discuss it and he reassured me that none of the things I was concerned about where actually an issue. Not like, in a bad way. Like he didn’t disregard my concerns or anything. We just were able to talk about it and I feel better now.

Sometimes your mind just jumps to the worse case scenarios because you’re… paranoid. lol. Or because you need to mentally prepare yourself in case the worst case IS the case. Luckily in this situation it’s not.

And I feel a lot better. Life gets crazy sometimes. And honestly it makes me happy that I’m able to tell him when something is bothering me and he’ll drop everything to talk to me about it and help me feel better. That really means something to me.

Thank you for the kind comments on my last post. ♥ I really appreciate it!

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It might sound silly…

But it’s been a stressful couple of days and I feel so GOOD right now. Just from spending the evening talking with Daddy. Laughing and being stupid and now he’s fallen asleep. lol. And…. I dunno. Just listening to him sleep is making me smile because it’s….comforting in a way. Maybe that sounds creepy? I don’t know. lol. But it’s sort of peaceful. And it makes me feel a little bit closer to him for the moment.

When words fail.

Music Speaks

Sneaky pic while he’s asleep. xD I’m finally starting to get tired so I’ll probably head to bed soon, but I feel a bit like writing tonight. Even though the words are sort of jumbled in my brain right now… but hey, in case my words fail, there’s going to be music to speak. xD

I TP’d to the club, and I use a LM to take me right behind the DJ booth instead of the landing point, and it occurred to me how ridiculous I am sometimes. Because just seeing his avi can make me smile. Hearing his voice is one of the highlights of my day. Even though we talk for hours a day there are moments when something he says, just the tone of his voice or the sound of his laugh still takes my breath away and gives me a stupid grin. When he gets excited about figuring out how to do something new. When I can hear his smile. Even when I can hear him roll his eyes at something ridiculous Ell or I say. When I do something silly and I can hear him basically just blink and smile before shaking his head and telling me I’m silly or cute.

I love how more often than not we know exactly what they other one is thinking or going to say. How he can always tell what sort of mood I’m in. How if something is bothering me, even something as little as how shitty my computer is, he takes the time out to distract me or calm me or make me laugh. He’s supportive of anything and everything I might want to do. We can plan things together and work amazingly well together. His good morning and good night texts never fail to make me smile.

We’ve talked about almost anything and everything. I love when he tells me things about him. I love that he cares about hearing things about me. He finds silly things that he’ll get me to make me laugh and smile, and I know I’ve helped him through a few rough days. And I love that. I love going to sleep knowing that I helped him have a better day. I like knowing I can make him smile and help him relax. I like when he tells me that he needs to hear my voice. Or that he misses me when he’s away for work.

Basically it all comes down to there’s a million things about him that just make every day I spend with him better than the last. Even when sometimes one of us is having a rough time and is in a bad mood.

I even like the times when we’re in a call but we’re both sort of doing our own things. He’s watching TV and I’m dancing or watching something on my own but we still are WITH one another the best we can be at the moment. And we still chat but are comfortable being with each other quietly for a little while too. I like the way he sings to himself when he’s working on things, and sometimes he doesn’t notice. I like when he falls asleep on mic, and half wakes up long enough to mumble a couple words, then pass back out. I like the way he loves me. And the way I love him.

I want my cake and I want to eat it too
I want to have fun and be in love with you
I know that I’m a mess with my long hair and my suntan, short dress, bare feet
I don’t care what they say about me, what they say about me
Because I know that it’s L.O.V.E.
You make me happy, you make me happy
And I never listen to anyone
Let them all say

Ya know…Shit is good.

DJLILYELLMASTAPEACE

Seriously though. Shit has been good lately for the most part. Babygirls Escorts is doing quite well over all. We’ve been hiring more girls and getting more people in. Not as many as DJ would like of course, but he’s a guy and impatient. lol. We’re actually doing quite well for a new, non-freelance club. Plus, Ell and I have standards. We’re willing to give girls a chance as long as they’re willing to put in the effort, but sometimes we meet girls that are just…hopeless. It’s rare, but it does happen.

DJ and I partnered on February 23rd. And it was a stressful experience. lol. Mostly because of other people but hey, that was expected and I knew what I would be getting into by getting with him. But really. I’m a grown woman and can make my own choices. Also, people generally shouldn’t make assumptions. lol. I’m not the kind of person that hides shit from people I care about. DJ and I are quite open with one another and I don’t think people realize quite how much he and I talk on a daily basis. lol. So even though there are rough patches coming from outside forces, things within the bubble of “US” are perfectly wonderful. Between him, Ell and Babygirls…well. I haven’t been this happy in SL in quite a while. Everyday is something new and entertaining and I have two people to share it all with that I can genuinely be myself with. Plus, he’s hot. So. What more could a girl ask for than a hot guy, that knows all about her AND still wants to be with her? I hit the fuckin’ motherlode. xD

And on that subject, I also expect some people to assume I’m with him for his money. It’s bound to come up. And sure, when I met him I’ll admit it crossed my mind that it’s nice to be friends with someone with money. But him having money isn’t HIM. It isn’t who or what he is, it’s just something that he has. If that makes sense. It’s FUN being able to go buy random shit together and have three sims to run around like morons on. But I don’t ask him for things. I make my own money, pay my own tier [unless he sneaks over and does it for me without me knowing], and I buy my own clothes. And I told him that if he suddenly didn’t have his sims, he could live in my treehouse. lol. Granted he has more funds he can put towards the club, but we figured it out the other day and in the long run, the amount of money he’s given me and I’ve given him has broken even for the most part. I toss him part of the money I earn to help with tier or fishing or whatever. I tip all the girls on a fairly regular basis. And I buy things for the club. This is a partnership in all meanings of the word. And to add a bit of RL in there… last month there were some financial problems at home. And I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to make rent on time. When he finally managed to get me to tell him what was on my mind, he pretty much had to sit me in a corner and tell me if I needed help I needed to ask him. And he’d be mad if I didn’t. We finally compromised and I said if I tried EVERYTHING else to make rent and I still couldn’t, I would ask him. I ended up just fine, but it was nice knowing that if I needed the help, he was there. But it was also nice knowing that he knew I wouldn’t ask him unless I had no other options.

And you know what…. he makes me smile till my face hurts. He makes me laugh until I cry. He makes me melt when I least expect it. He listens to me when I get frustrated or annoyed or just tired. If I tell him how I feel and if something is bothering me, he does his best to fix it or at least improve the situation. If he says or does something that I want to talk to him about, he will drop things and talk to me about them. He supports my passions and my insanity. He puts up with Ell! And I know that even if sometimes things are hard for me to say, or I feel shy or scared… that when I DO finally manage to get the words out he won’t judge me, or question the validity of my emotions. He is a Daddy Dom completely. And MY Daddy more importantly. I try not to get too mushy or lovey in world because of…reasons. But this is my blog and I’m going to write. I know there are dozens of people that think they know him, or know him better than me. And I know if any were to read this they’d scoff at the idea that I’m at all different or more special or anything else than anyone. And that’s fine. Like I told him, I don’t give a shit what other people tell me he is. Because his actions and words speak louder to me than the words of of other people that I know from varying degrees of “not at all” to “we’ve chatted and fucked”. And his actions have all been spot on to his words with me. If I’m wrong? Then I can accept that. But why would I give up on this possible amazing person in my life based on what others have said? Sigh. People.

Anyways. Yes. Happy! Happy to have him in my life, my partner box, and everything else he can get into as well.

The Arcade starts today and I want it all.

Whore Couture starts today. And I want most of it. FaMeshed starts today and I probably want at least half of it….*laughs* So I should try to get some sleep soon so I can be ready to fight lag, and hopefully get up around the same time as DJ.

Sometimes it’s the little things.

It’s funny sometimes how something can just cut you to the bone. Even when you take a second to think about it and you know that it wasn’t anything, that initial gut punch of reading/hearing it just makes your heart stop. Then try to pound through your chest. Your breathing slows and your body shakes and your eyes tear and for that moment there’s no semblance of rational thought.

That happened to me tonight. Sometimes it can be for something good. Sometimes it isn’t. Tonight it wasn’t.

It was just an avalanche of things. No. Avalanche isn’t even the right word. That would imply that suddenly the ground shifted beneath me when this was more like… something that took some build up. More like a crack on the ice that I ignored. Fuck, that I followed even. And it kept splintering and there were parts that held together and a few small holes appearing until tonight when I just fell through.

And the thing is… it wasn’t even really anyone’s fault. Not really. Sure there were little things here and there that different people had done to contribute to it. But it wasn’t something that could be blamed on anyone either. It was just the sum of the parts colliding in just the right way that I had to leave the computer to cry for a minute.

Logic kicks in eventually and things get calmed down. Nothing was done intentionally to hurt me. No one set out to knock the wind from my sails. It just happened. There are more things that can happen that at this point, after being discussed, would be more difficult to excuse.

And while temporary peace has been made in the situation, with a promise of something more permanent tomorrow, right now I just feel exhausted.

mentally, not physically.

weak.

vulnerable.

scared as fuck.

hopeful. and skeptical. and… very, very small.

Sometimes things are hard.

For the most part I have been happier in SecondLife recently than I have been in years. I’m working in a great place. I make plenty to be able to pay my tier and shop. My photography business has increased like, a million times over. Which isn’t actually that much when you know how much I USED to get hired to do. Anyways.

Overall… things are wonderful and I can’t think of a time when I’ve been genuinely this happy.

But sometimes things still get hard. Even when your brain knows something, your heart doesn’t always want to agree. And tonight I don’t really know which side is in the lead.

And I’m being cryptic. I know, I’m sorry.

I guess part of it is that there’s always going to be a chance that the logical side is wrong. Or at least, mildly wrong.

The emotional side kind of feels like…. buh right now. It can’t even really be put into words. I just feel… vaguely

buh.