Sometimes it’s the little things.

It’s funny sometimes how something can just cut you to the bone. Even when you take a second to think about it and you know that it wasn’t anything, that initial gut punch of reading/hearing it just makes your heart stop. Then try to pound through your chest. Your breathing slows and your body shakes and your eyes tear and for that moment there’s no semblance of rational thought.

That happened to me tonight. Sometimes it can be for something good. Sometimes it isn’t. Tonight it wasn’t.

It was just an avalanche of things. No. Avalanche isn’t even the right word. That would imply that suddenly the ground shifted beneath me when this was more like… something that took some build up. More like a crack on the ice that I ignored. Fuck, that I followed even. And it kept splintering and there were parts that held together and a few small holes appearing until tonight when I just fell through.

And the thing is… it wasn’t even really anyone’s fault. Not really. Sure there were little things here and there that different people had done to contribute to it. But it wasn’t something that could be blamed on anyone either. It was just the sum of the parts colliding in just the right way that I had to leave the computer to cry for a minute.

Logic kicks in eventually and things get calmed down. Nothing was done intentionally to hurt me. No one set out to knock the wind from my sails. It just happened. There are more things that can happen that at this point, after being discussed, would be more difficult to excuse.

And while temporary peace has been made in the situation, with a promise of something more permanent tomorrow, right now I just feel exhausted.

mentally, not physically.

weak.

vulnerable.

scared as fuck.

hopeful. and skeptical. and… very, very small.

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Take Me Away

Sometimes SL can be a lonely place. I’m not that good at making friends. I dunno why. Well, part of it is my name obviously attracts people that just wanna fuck a lot. But past that. I’m kinda weird. I don’t ever feel comfortable IMing someone first until I’ve known them for a while or we have gotten comfortable with each other. I work a lot and sometimes hanging out means being at the club with me.

But sometimes dancing/escorting/managing get overwhelming and I just want someone to explore with. Play a game of greedy with. Cuddle. Go shopping. Be silly and run around tormenting people.

Ell is usually busy on her RP sim so I don’t see her often. We IM constantly of course but we don’t get much avatar face time. I spend a lot of time standing around my skybox or in the club alone or taking pictures.

I definitely don’t meet a lot of men I feel connections with either. Hercule was ok at first, ages ago. He spoiled me and we spent time together on his sim but then he got….weird. He spent most of his time building and I would get bored standing there watching him while he occasionally TP’d me to where he was terraforming and would sometimes tickle me. Then he blamed me for not entertaining him enough. Whatevs. His English was hard to understand more often than not and he was high……again, more often than not.

Of course I miss Lu and shopping and fucking and dancing with him. And of  course logging into presents from him. But I’ve already discussed that some in here.

Kovu has come back, again. On another new name. But I haven’t seen him online at all. Just got a couple offlines and a friend request. Plus, when he came back last time I just ended up getting hurt again when he decided that since I wasn’t on as much as I used to be before I had my RL BF that he’d write in his profile his “partner box didn’t really matter”. Still upset about that. I don’t partner people easily. In fact there’s been exactly two people in my 4+ years of SecondLife.

I dunno. I want more SL friends and I want a guy to be with in SL. Someone that makes me look forward to logging on and talking to them.

Bleh.

I should get some sleep. I have to get up early (for me anyways) to go to a manager’s meeting for the club. I dunno what to expect from that. Maybe some complaining that I’m not on during the day. But I’m a nightowl. That’s just how it is.

Not that kind of whore.

Sometimes I wish I was an attention whore in SL. But then I suppose I would end up hating myself. I hear girls that natter on about absolutely nothing, or fawn over a few guys and get all this attention and praise and every once in a while I get a little jealous. I’m much quieter and a bit more reserved. I don’t like talking just for the sake of talking and I don’t like acting out just to get someone to notice me. To be honest, I’m not sure I could do that even if I tried.

But….it would be nice to have some attention sometimes from a sexy, intelligent man.

Ahh well.