Ok. After my whining post, I felt better. I got it out of my system. Then I did actually get some cuddles, surprisingly. And, maybe a tad bit more. Ended up going to bed in a pretty good mood.
When I logged on tonight I fucked around doing nothing for a bit, then shit got busy. Hired 4 times in a row. lol. By the time I was done, I was feeling pretty exhausted, but accomplished. You never know when shit is going to get busy. Two of them were even threesomes, which turned out to be pretty fun.
After that I got to relax a bit and watch some “Adult Legos” which is always nice. I dunno. It’s something I always kind of look forward to. It really is amazingly relaxing, and hey, the company isn’t terrible either.
Now I’m not sure what I wanna do with myself. I can’t decide if I wanna go to bed “early”. Well, early for me. Or fuck around for a bit longer. There’s a DJ playing so I’m listening to that a bit and idling around in my bedroom on the sim. Not a terrible way to round out my night.
I am just in one of those kinds of moods today. I’m not even really sure why. I just felt…. vaguely overwhelmed. I was thinking about too much all at once. It’s not even being overwhelmed by things I can’t do, or can’t handle. It was just allll of it coming to mind at once instead of broken down into segments. And it set my mind racing for a bit.
Then I just wanted to… be comforted I guess? I feel absolutely girly today. I just want to be comforted and held and cuddled and complimented. I want affection and playfulness and to feel special. I wanted to be able to turn to someone and go off and vent. Or, not vent at all and just say “I need you.” And have it happen.
To be fair, I may have been able to do that. I’m not really sure. And that’s part of it too. I don’t know how much I can ask for when it comes to emotional stuff. Or when emotional things are ok. I WANT more. Oh so much more. But for now, it’s just not something I feel like I can do. I don’t feel like I’m in a place where I can ask for it. I’m not completely sure where I stand or what is ok. Or what isn’t. Or what would be alright but may make them uncomfortable. I KNOW I can ask for help with a lot of things. But for the irrational, emotional “please just hold me and make me feel special” things? I don’t know.
So. I just went to my hiding spot for a while. Fucking with pictures. Working on NCs and planning events and sorting through the back end of business things. My favorite. lol. At this point though, most of it is busy work. I don’t have to THINK too hard on any of it, which is perfect for the time being. Hence why writing happened again too.
Whenever I’m feeling really emotional and needy and….attention/affection whore-y I tend to sort of hide myself away for a while so I don’t go stage 5 clinger or overly sensitive. Seriously, expressing emotions to other people is SO FREAKING HARD for me. Especially when I get so scared that the other person will hate me for it. Or that they’ll think I’m being stupid or I don’t know how they’ll react to it.
Ahhhhhhh what the hell.