Most of this won’t make a ton of sense, but writing has always been therapeutic to me, and sometimes I just need to get it out, even if I don’t have anyone to talk to about it specifically.
First off….death is weird. Or more specifically, feelings you have when someone else dies can be weird. My sister’s ex-husband passed away today. Which I guess sort of sounds like it shouldn’t affect me that much. And there is this really strange disconnect. I haven’t seen or talked to him in… years and years. But I spent a lot of time around him when I was a kid. He and my sister lived with us for a bit after they got married. He’s the father of my niece and one of my nephews. I have a lot of memories of him. And though I’d never say we were CLOSE in any real sense of the word, and technically he wasn’t “family”, I’m still sad about it. And when I think about my niece and nephew going through losing their father… I almost start to cry. I can’t imagine what they’re going through.
So I’m going through this strange feeling of being sad… but then feeling like maybe I don’t have a “right” to feeling sad. I guess I have this habit of looking at feelings at whether they’re justified or not, rather than just feeling and experiencing them. Which has always been something I’ve done. I can’t really explain it. It’s just a weird feeling. And all my memories of him are so far removed, that they didn’t all come to surface when I found it. Instead of that it’s been a day of random memories popping up when I don’t expect it, when I’m doing other things and feeling ok.
Then I’m already feeling just… emotionally…weird. And some other stuff happens that I am -specifically- trying to separate from my emotions on a regular basis. And I’m actively trying to make sure that I’m not acting out of emotions or bias or personal feelings. And then THAT just makes me feel like I’m doing the opposite. Like, I’m walking on eggshells for fear of seeming emotional or jealous or whatever. It’s an almost daily thing of keeping my feelings in check. And tonight I….did, for the most part. But something bothered me and I spoke up about it to someone. And apparently the way I did it wasn’t phrased the best way. And it spiraled and I just ended up feeling like I was a raging bitch that was being emotional and shitty even when that was specificalllllly what I was trying not to be. And now I just feel…. stupid? I don’t even know if that’s accurate. I feel….not good, let’s just say that.
It’s not a situation where anyone is right or wrong or…anything I don’t think. At least, as far as my opinion. It’s just…. shitty. And I feel shitty. And like all the effort I try to put forth to NOT be shitty is just useless, because apparently I overcompensate. And it’s just me being….emotionally raw and weird today, but I feel horrible. And like I can’t get it right one way or another.
I tried to give examples of what I meant when I say here about overcompensating. That I don’t address things I probably should because I worry that I’d be acting out of personal feelings, or that it would come across that way. And then I get accused of being defensive and of….acting out of personal feelings. I can’t address anyone else doing what this person does, because I don’t see other people do it. If they DO, it’s not when I’m around, or something people have told me about before now. How am I supposed to apply it to them doing things that I don’t know they’re doing? If I saw them doing it, I’d address it. But I just don’t see it happening. I can’t address it if I don’t know it happens.
In this case, I know this person is doing something. It happens a lot. Sure, not as much as it used to, but it still happens. And it happened tonight. But when I tried to vent about how much it annoys me, and how I’m afraid to address it with them because I want to make sure I’m not acting out of personal bias…..I get accused of acting out of personal bias. Or, if that wasn’t the intent, it was how it made me feel. Possibly because I’m already emotionally fucked up today. I dunno. But I just feel like a complete idiot right now. I couldn’t sleep if I tried, so….we get this rambling bit of nonsense.