Yes. This. A million times this. Sex is important to me. It doesn’t need to happen everyday, all the time. It doesn’t need to be the main focus of a relationship. It’s not the end-all-be-all. But it IS important to me. Very much so.
I need to be able to feel that intimacy sometimes. I need to feel wanted, desired. I need occasional reminders that someone finds me attractive or wants me. It doesn’t really count the same if it’s coming from random people. Then they’re just looking at my outward appearance. It means more to me when it’s someone that knows me, and knows me well. But I need to feel like they are still attracted to me.
My first boyfriend in RL was a jerk. He ended up being a mentally abusive asshole. And he would literally yell at me if I tried to initiate sex with him after a while. So it got to where I didn’t. And I still sometimes have problems with that. If I don’t feel like someone wants me, I have no idea how to express how it makes me feel, or even try to initiate something. I get SO SCARED that they would be grossed out or disgusted by me that I don’t even try. I can’t. I would rather wonder if they wanted anything to do with me than risk asking and finding out, or confirming my thoughts, that they really weren’t interested in me anymore.
And it’s fucking hard. Sometimes you just want to feel like a desirable person. And sometimes I just…I NEED that alone time where it’s just me and another person and I feel like their focus is on me and on us and… I don’t know. It’s hard. It’s hard when you feel like you might not be wanted as much as you once were. When you maybe get into this comfortable place where you don’t know how to be desired again and when you’re too scared to try for fear of complete rejection. And you start to wonder if it’s always going to be that way. If this is just… the way it is from now on.
And it’s just… hard.