Sleep has been super hard for me the last few nights. I go through some pretty rough bouts of insomnia from time to time. This time hasn’t gotten to that point. It’s not exactly insomnia right now. And it hasn’t been REALLY bad in a few years. There was a point where I would go a few days on about 3 hours sleep and I would just cry from being so tired and not being able to do anything about it. Generally then even sleeping meds didn’t help. They would just make me MORE tired, but still unable to sleep.
So the last few nights I’ve been sitting up, wandering around SL aimlessly. Ell hasn’t been on as much at night because she’s playing Guild Wars with her boyfriend, and Daddy has been working a lot this week and usually passes out the second he is actually able to lay down. Which I don’t blame him for one bit. I know how tired he is and how much he’s had to do lately. I miss him though.
Tonight there’s no one really on that I spend time with so I’m just….standing around.
Then on a personal RL note, I had a moment that shook me up a little bit earlier and that isn’t helping me right now. There was this guy back home that I had some problems with. He was following me around for a while and generally obsessed. To the point where my dad had to chase him away from my bedroom window in the middle of the night once. And another time when he was caught leaving a picture of me on my parents’ doorstep. When I wasn’t even LIVING there at the time. Yeah. And several years back, about 3/4ths of the way through the TEN YEARS he kept popping up in my life, I had a bad experience with him. Something I don’t tell many people about, but something that fucked me up for quite a while. He kept trying to contact me for two years after that. Every summer. I would go a year without hearing from him then every single summer he would find a way to contact me. I remember the first summer that went by without hearing from him. It was a ridiculous relief. I even stopped ordering pizza from a certain place because I found out he was a delivery driver for them and I wasn’t willing to risk it.
Anyways. Tonight I DLed an app on my phone and it used my phone contacts to suggest people using the app that I might know. And there was his name. I hadn’t seen it or thought of him in ages and just seeing his name was like a punch in the gut. I kept his number that way if he ever tried to call me, I’d know who it was. I don’t think it’s even his number anymore because the picture was of some girl I had never seen before. But it used the name I had him saved in my contacts list as. I am thousands of miles away from him. I haven’t heard a peep from him in several years. But still. Just…. the sudden reminder of him was enough to make my head hurt and make me want to throw up.
So. Now I’m sitting here. I was already unable to sleep and now I’m scared to try because until I can sufficiently distract/tire myself out I’ll just end up laying in bed for god knows how long.
Generally I get an anxiety and feeling of fear when I want to go to bed. This doesn’t even have anything to do with him. Unless I had a good day to tire myself out, when “bed time” rolls around I just feel… scared and anxious for no apparent reason. That’s what’s been happening to me for the last 3 or 4 days. I don’t know why. I never really know WHY it happens, just that it does.
Bah. Ok. I’m going to go watch random youtube or netflix until I feel like I might pass out.