Stewing.

You ever have something that only irritates you a little bit when it happens, but when you think back on it hours later, you get pissed? That’s what’s been happening to me. I’ve just been stewing on a few subjects and it’s just been building to where I just can’t freakin’ stand that sight of someone’s name anymore.

And all the fucking excuses in the world have been used up. At one point does someone say “I am physically, emotionally and mentally unable to do this. So instead of half assing it and then asking other people to help, I’m just going to step down and NOT do it?” That would make too much sense though, right? If there are underlying problems that make it so you really, really CANNOT do something, then don’t accept the responsibilities for it.

I dunno. I’ve just been keeping really busy lately. DJ is busy in RL, and today isn’t feeling well, so the club has been up to me and Ell for the last few days. Combine with taking the pictures of the shoes and listing them on the market, hiring girls, maintaining things and doing my own escorting, I’ve had zero downtime lately. And… I miss him. A lot.

I know he’s got a lot of things going on lately so I’m trying really hard to keep things covered for him and be supportive and help as much as I can, but….I miss him. And through zero fault of his own because of all the external forces going on I feel sort of…neglected? That’s not really the right word. I know it’s not intentional. Or at least, I would hope it isn’t. But it’s definitely felt like all work and no play lately. I’m hoping once things get settled down for him that it can at least get a little bit back to normal. It might take a while, but I’m ok with that as long as I know that he still WANTS it to be back that way. I dunno.

I think I’ve just been stressed and missing him and with the little bit of down time I have to think, my brain will always go to the worst case scenario. That’s normal for me because it’s like I’m….. mentally preparing myself in the back of my mind so that if the worst case actually DOES happen, I’ll have a little bit of a resistance built up to it. That probably sounds crazy, but that’s about where I am right now.

Thankfully even though the club keeps me busy, it’s something I really love doing. It’s a place I love to be and the girls are wonderful. So I’ve got that going for me, which is nice. xD

EDIT: Many hours later….even though he’s sick and sounds so tired, just talking to him for even 30 minutes is enough to make me smile and make me feel better about everything.

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