It’s funny sometimes how something can just cut you to the bone. Even when you take a second to think about it and you know that it wasn’t anything, that initial gut punch of reading/hearing it just makes your heart stop. Then try to pound through your chest. Your breathing slows and your body shakes and your eyes tear and for that moment there’s no semblance of rational thought.
That happened to me tonight. Sometimes it can be for something good. Sometimes it isn’t. Tonight it wasn’t.
It was just an avalanche of things. No. Avalanche isn’t even the right word. That would imply that suddenly the ground shifted beneath me when this was more like… something that took some build up. More like a crack on the ice that I ignored. Fuck, that I followed even. And it kept splintering and there were parts that held together and a few small holes appearing until tonight when I just fell through.
And the thing is… it wasn’t even really anyone’s fault. Not really. Sure there were little things here and there that different people had done to contribute to it. But it wasn’t something that could be blamed on anyone either. It was just the sum of the parts colliding in just the right way that I had to leave the computer to cry for a minute.
Logic kicks in eventually and things get calmed down. Nothing was done intentionally to hurt me. No one set out to knock the wind from my sails. It just happened. There are more things that can happen that at this point, after being discussed, would be more difficult to excuse.
And while temporary peace has been made in the situation, with a promise of something more permanent tomorrow, right now I just feel exhausted.
mentally, not physically.
scared as fuck.
hopeful. and skeptical. and… very, very small.